The Pain of Love

It had been 4 years since she had come to stay with this man. The man who gave her a place to live, a bed to sleep in, good meals and all the desires of her heart. He had been her savior. They had many long conversations about their past lives and their futures, evenings spent next to a roaring fire place escaping the chills from the biting winter air and many nights cuddled under a soft down comforter. She had grown very fond of this man, so much so that she loved him.






The rain beat hard on the windows like a drum, the sky hung low with an evil darkness. "Why can't you just say it?" she screamed throwing a now empty bottle of wine across the room at his head "I tell you every day, multiple times a day! You can't even say it once!?" Something else flew at him and he ducked out of the way as it hit the wall with a crash "I'll leave I swear it!" she screamed "Are you ashamed of me!? Am I just not "your type"?" she taunted. He turned and started to walk away from her as he always did when these confrontations arose, heading for his usual study to give her a few hours of cool off time but she ran at him. Tripping and landing on the floor, she crawled behind him and grabbed his arm. He turned slowly the light from the candles illuminating his handsome features. Her eyes were as red as chunks of her hair and swollen with tears. She got to her knees and took his hand holding it to her cheek so tightly like a child holds a beloved blanket. "I want you to be honest with me. Just please tell me..." she whispered to him with pleading eyes her tears rolling down her cheeks "Do you love me?" A long silence passed between them and she kneel there still clutching his hand, barely breathing waiting for his answer. "No" he said barely above a whisper, the word formed slowly on his lips and hit her hard. He looked away feeling his eyes start to sting and water. He swore if he looked at her that he'd see her heart breaking in her kind eyes. Those eyes he adored. He hated to see her in this kind of pain but he had to do it. He swore to himself so long ago that he would never love another. Not after his last heart break. She needed to leave and live her own life. Find a man who would love her the way she wanted him to. He would force his answer again and again until she packed and left. His heart would weep with her departure for the girl he had shared his home with, his life with and of whom he secretly loved. He pulled his hand out of her grasp and slowly turned away. He made his way to his study and inside locking the doors behind him. He lean up against them listening. Waiting. He suddenly was pushed off the doors and stumbled forward. He had expected it but it still seemed to surprise him. She pound on the doors with such force he thought the lock would snap. She screamed at him through the closed doors. Hateful and bitter words came out in long strings striking his heart at the very core. Yet he thought to himself "It's better this way. I don't deserve her. It would never work and perhaps this time she really will leave." The pounding stopped suddenly and he heard her footsteps going up the stairs. Every creak of the floor boards was magnified as he took a seat in a leather arm chair. He knew what every sound made above him was; for this had happened so many times before. A loud thump on the floor, that was the lamp on the table in the hallway, breaking of glass; that was the mirror in the bathroom as she swung the cabinet open slamming it against the wall when she gathered her things out of it, a clutter of thumps and crashes that magnified differently; that was the slew of things from the closet as she pulled out her suite case and started to pack it. He could see it clearly in his head, she was crying silently mumbling under her breath, she'd pack every article of clothing she owned even the ones he bought for her. Then she'd move onto packing her shampoo conditioner and facial scrubs along with other necessities. All of the highest qualities for he had thought she only deserved the best. She'd stuff the suite case so full it wouldn't close and as a loud scream echoed from upstairs he knew she had tossed everything out and started doing it again. It would take her several tries before she grabbed a bag to put more things in. A smile pushed it's way across his lips, she was so cute when she was angry and her face always turned as red as her hair. He heard noise once again on the stairs, bringing him back from his thoughts, her stumbling down in a fit of rage cursing everything that was in her path. A whistle signified she was calling her dogs Sasha and Bullet. The excited barking came from them seeing their leashes and having them strapped to their collars. He heard her stomp off to the kitchen and a series of slams crashes and curses meant she was grabbing as much food and drinks as she could hold along with a container of dog food and not bothering to pick up the mess she'd made. He sat there still listening quietly he knew what would come next. He heard the front door open and a loud "I hate you!" echoed through the empty halls. The door was slammed with such force that it knocked a few Nick knacks off his shelves. He buried his head in his hands as his eyes started to flood with tears. He silently regretted never returning those words to her but he told himself this was how it had to be. He looked at the clock, it was late in the evening, the darkness was creeping in and the night sounds could be heard. She'd be back in an hour. Throwing her things down in the entry way then running off upstairs and throwing herself into bed. Her loyal animals guarding their rather upset master. They'd stay up all night just waiting for an intruder to challenge them. Everything would be fine in the morning. She'd give him the cold shoulder for a few hours of the day but by the time evening rolled around it would be forgotten. They'd sit on the couch with the dogs at their feet and watch their favorite programs. This is how it always went. He crossed his arms on his desk and laid his head on them yawning slightly. A smile spread across his lips before drifting off to sleep with the thoughts of holding her in his arms once more forming his dreams.






He woke late that morning his neck in pain from his rather uncomfortable sleeping position and he could feel a headache taking shape. He stood stretching his arms to the ceiling and down to his toes trying to work out the stiff parts of his back. He stood upright listening for sounds of life around the house but heard nothing. No footsteps, no barking or wining. He unlocked the study door and peered out to the entry way but saw nothing. He shrugged it off and went up the stairs the hallway was just as she'd left it. His things all over the floor, the bathroom was left in shambles but the bedroom door was standing open. He tip toed to the doorway trying not to make any sounds that would set the dogs off but as he came close enough to see inside, the bed was empty. There were no guard dogs around it and it seemed that no one had been in there since she destroyed the room last night. He took a seat on the bed then leaned back slowly resting his head on the pillows as panic started to set in. She always came back, this is how it always happened and she always came back home. He rolled over slowly on his side and grabbed the pillow next to him. He held it close to his chest and hugged it, then put his nose to it breathing in deeply the intoxicating aroma. It still smelled like her. Then he noticed a small folded piece of paper laying in the pillows place, he lay the pillow at his feet and sat up slowly picking up the paper. He held it for a few minutes looking at it, it was a piece of parchment that was folded neatly and bore his name on the front. He unfolded it very slowly and carefully as not to smudge any of the words, it looked like it had been written with the feather quill he'd gotten her as a Christmas gift and it seemed she'd taken great care in writing it. He read the letter slowly taking in every word.







"Excuse me for my sudden leave but I felt that this is something I needed to do. Our relationship seemed to be going nowhere and I thought that it would be best for me to release you from my burdening company. Please understand that I love you with all of my heart but what is love if the one of whom you love does not return it? Please don't worry about me. Remember, I'll love you forever and always."








He read the note over a few times more as tears started to form in his eyes. All that time spent trying to get her to leave and she'd actually left. He refolded the parchment carefully grabbed her pillow and laid back down rolling over on his stomach and burying his face in her smell. Her smell drifted up his nose and warmed his body. The soft sent of a gorgeous woman was like a drug, you knew it would someday consume you but you couldn't get away. She was his secret drug. Soon his thoughts drifted off to the day he found her and he remembered every small insignificant detail.






He had been driving home from his monthly trip to the store, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel of his 1959 Ford Galaxy as he made his way down the highway headed home. Queen blared over the radio losing his every sense in the music. He could only get a few miles out of town before his radio lost signal leaving nothing but static and wines to be heard. This was the time he would switch it off and enjoy the scenery surrounding him. He'd see a few deer here and there darting in the fields and sometimes possums or raccoons. He then spotted something he normally never saw, two dogs on the side of the road laying next to what seemed to be some blankets or clothes. He pulled over to the side of the road and examined the animals, he tried to call them over, thinking, he could simply bring them home for now and take them to the animal shelter tomorrow but the dogs would not come to him. They seemed to be wining at the pile of rags on the ground. He got out of his car slowly and made his way across the road. As he drew nearer he noticed the two dogs seemed to be a bit underweight, he walked up and reached out his hand which one of the dogs licked welcoming. He then started to uncover what he thought to be puppies but instead he found a sleeping girl. She seemed to have been out on her own for some time seeing as how every inch of her was covered in dirt but she did not appear heart. He reached his hand out to check her pulse when one of the dogs snapped at his outstretched hand. He tried to reassure the animals that he would not hurt her but they would not back down. Grabbing the ends of the leashes and led the growling animals to the car and put them in the back seat. He then went back to attend to the girl, she was still alive but needed nourishment. He picked her up gently one arm under her top off and the other arm under her legs her head leaned against his chest. He carried her to the car and sat her in the passenger side. He then got in the car and they continued the drive home. When they arrived he carried her inside with the dogs at his heels and carried her upstairs to his bed. He laid her down and watched as the dogs curled around her laying their heads on her body. Once she had awoken he drew her a warm bath and made her a nice dinner. They sat at the dinner table silently he watched her shovel down the food with not so much as a single breath between bites. She then explained how she had run away from an abusive boyfriend, had hitch hiked to the town but was not sure where to go from there. She had had very little money to start out with which she spent on feeding the dogs and she had no clean clothes. He had offered to let her stay with him as long as she needed because he knew a shelter wouldn't let her keep her beloved pets Sasha and Bullet. He had gone out the next day and bought her clothes, shoes and had taken her to the most expensive restaurant in town letting her show off her new dress. She was very close to him in age but she still had the spirit of a child. He laughed at how she looked at things with pure wonder, she had absolutely lost it when she found out that there was indeed a knife for cutting tomatoes and how he had seen her laying in bed clutching a stuffed toy to her chest. She was still a child at heart but she knew how to buckle down and do work when it needed to be done. She was eager to do anything he asked of her even the smallest tasks was some huge adventure that she always sought praise at it's completion. He thought of her at first as a little sister but soon grew to think of her as much more. He started holding her hand during car rides into town, putting his arm around her during the evenings while they watched movies and wrapping his arms around her waist as she slept. But as she started to expect these sweet gestures from him after only a year his memories started to make him push her away. He started to run off to his study to work, insisting she stay home when he went to the store and turning away from her after making love. This soon made her grow angry and bitter longing for those small sweet gestures, she started to wonder what she had done wrong but upon asking he simply said "nothing" and walked away. Their conversations stopped, their attitudes toward each other became hard and cold and she had lost that child like heart. Her heart was now coated in anger and sadness trapping the child within. That had all happened because he could not forget how heart broken he'd been when his last relationship ended. This had all been his fault.






She walked down the highway in the darkness holding onto her dogs leashes as tightly as she could, tears streaming down her face. She was cold hungry and very tired. Town was miles away from where she was and she dreaded having to stop and rest. But the time came that she had to stop, the dogs were tired and barely walking and she had stumbled over herself several times and was threatening to fall over. She laid out her coat and had the dogs lay on it she sat on what part of it she could but she didn't mind getting a little dirty. She rummaged through her back pack and pulled out a bottle of water, dog food, carrot sticks and a jar of peanut butter. She removed the dog food lid and laid it down for them then filled the container she used for dog water and set it down next to the food. She then took out a carrot stick and swirled it around in the peanut butter. She took a bite and in that one instance she felt like she may die from hunger. After they had ate their fill she put everything away and pulled out a sweater and put it on. She laid down slowly feeling the dirt and rocks underneath her. She cuddled as close to her beloved animals as possible, wrapping their leashes as tight around her hand as possible and fell asleep. Her sleep was restless and full of nightmares. She was searching for her "light" but she knew all too well that she had left her "light" behind.He was her light in the darkness. He had been the light to guide her back home, that's what she always thought. She awoke no more then 4 hours later, she sat up and looked at her surroundings. Everything started flooding back to her, the memories of the fight and her leaving. She sit there for a few moments turning it all over in her mind. Was it right for her to leave? After everything he'd done for her but she had to leave because she was attached to him. She had let herself fall in love with him, with someone who she knew did not love her back and who used her. He had used her in the worst way, she was nothing but a replacement for his loneliness and even though the sex was amazing she couldn't let herself be treated that way. She deserved better. She got up reluctantly and started stuffing the coat back in the bag as her dogs let out low growls and yawns. She stood for a moment looking down the dark highway, she can't believe she had gone from a nice warm house and bed into this. She had initinally left to scare him, show him that she could indeed live on her own and take care of herself. As she started down the highway once more it became clear this would be much harder then she though, she had no money, no car to get around, no job and no place to live. She'd be back where she started only 4 short years ago. She pushed herself to keep going mile after mile and determination drove her to go on. Her feet were blistered, her legs were sore and she was exhausted by the time she made it to the outskirts of town. She sit on the cold hard pavement on the side of the road watching as the sun rose into the sky making everything dazzle with its light. A tear ran down her cheek as she tried to hold back a sniffle, she couldn't get him out of her head and she missed him dearly. She got to her feet again giving the leashes small tugs signaling the animals it was time to go, walking into town she noticed only a gas station was open so far and she needed to use the bathroom but hated to leave the dogs outside by themselves. She tied them to a bike rack and walked inside stumbleing slightly to the counter she leaned over and it and asked where the bathroom was. He looked her up and down for a minute then handed her the key and told it was around back. Once she was done she walked the dogs over to a small park in the center of town and laid out the coat once again for the dogs. She wrapped her arms around Bullet and let out a great sigh of exhaustion. It had already been a long night and she couldn't even go to sleep because her beloved animals welfare depended on her getting a job first thing and trying to find some sort of low income housing.

The hours ticked by slowly as he paced the house. Back and forth he went from one end of the hall to the other, wondering where she could've gone. He didn't imagine she'd gone far but he also didn't think she'd want him to come looking for her. Or was that what she was expecting him to do? He couldn't make up his mind and finally decided to clean the bedroom. It would distract him from his thoughts for the time being at least.

Around noon she was walking around town going into places asking if they needed any help but no one seemed interested just yet. She finally saw a farm down the way, she had never actually worked on a farm before but when she was a small child her aunt owned one and that was where she spent most of her time chasing down chickens. She made her way down to the farm with her rather happy dogs romping along at her side. When she reached the gate she saw an old woman carrying eggs in the house. "Excuse me?" she called but the woman didn't seem to hear her, her dogs got very excited at seeing the woman and pulled their master right through the gate almost running into the poor woman and knocking her down. She calmed the animals down as best she could and apologized several times to the woman but she didn't seem to mind. She invited them in for lunch which the girl couldn't say no to because she of course wanted to be polite and she was starving. The woman brought over fresh milk and fried egg sandwiches. She then laid a bowl full of leftovers on the floor for the dogs which they scarfed down merrily with wagging tails. The woman told her that a few years ago her husband had passed away and he had done most of the work on the farm. She went on to say that she had many health problems and was worried that she could no longer keep the place but she hated to give it up because her husband had built it himself. So the young lady offered the older woman to take care of her farm work for her, she did not ask for money seeing as how she just wanted to help but the woman offered her weekly pay plus free meals while she was there. The woman then called her son who owned a small house in the town that he had had up for rent and her son let the young woman stay there as a thank you for her helping his mother. The girl didn't have much for a house but she had the two most important things to her and that, as far as she thought, was all she needed. So day after day she got up at 6am and walked to work with her dogs running along at her sides. She would gather eggs from the chicken coop, feed the hogs, horses and milk the cows. She'd tend to plants and other yard work and clean the animal pens. It wasn't exactly a fun job but for the money she made it was well worth it. She got very dirty and most of her nice clothes had been stained and torn by the end of one month. She started getting visits from the woman's son on weekends and they would have lunch together with his mother. He mostly thanked her for all the nice work she did because he had a full time job but she had been more then happy to do it. She was out in the sun all day sweating and getting terrible sun burn but she loved every minute of it. Her dogs got nice and plump on table scraps as well. She earned enough money to buy a nice car and she got all the fresh food she needed from the farm. She had very nice home furnishings from a bed to a coffee table, re fridgerater, washer, dryer and even a good sized pool.

The months dragged on from June to December and she had barely remembered that other man but when it came to Christmas Eve she felt the pains of heartache once more and decided to go visit him. Seeing as how she was given a few days off she thought it would be nice to at least spend Christmas with him. She could tell him all about how she was doing and find out what he had been up to all this time. She had even made him a nice gift which she wrapped tenderly placing a perfect bow on top. Sasha and Bullet followed her out to the car running around the car in the snow and tackeling each other every now and then before the door was opened and they jumped inside. The drive was quiet and full of thought for the girl. All around the Christmas feeling was already filling every space. Excitement mounted as she got closer but with it came fear and anxiety. She had left in such a state and now she was coming back? "Only to visit." she told herself "I'm not staying. I won't." Apon pulling up to the house she realized another car and wondered briefly why he had gotten a new car. He had always told her he didn't like the newer models but she didn't let the thought linger. She still had her house key and to her brief surprise the door lock hadn't been changed. Letting herself in the dogs ran past her and went right up the stairs, but shortly after she heard a woman scream. The girl went running up the stairs and rounded the corner so fast to the bedroom she almost slipped on a shirt lying there. A heavy feeling was in her chest and at the same time she could feel her stomach drop to the floor. A woman was sitting up right in the bed with covers up to her chest leaning against the man. The girl didn't call her dogs down all she could do was stand in shock, looking at the scene before her and try to fight back her eyes welling up with tears. The more she fought them back the worse they were and the more they threatened to poor down her cheeks like a vast waterfall. Anger and hurt clouded her mind as she threw the gift down on the floor and ordered for her pets to follow her. She said nothing but started down the steps "What could I have been thinking coming back here?" she asked herself and she couldn't fight the tears back any longer. They poured out of her eyes and down her face making her nose run but she didn't care she just wanted to get out of that dreaded place. She heard heavy footsteps behind her as she quickened her pace and bolted for the door but was grabbed instead by a strong hand and yanked around. She looked into those eyes not seeing any sign of remorse or even happiness to see her. All she saw was anger as his eye brows furrowed into his forehead. "So who was THAT?" she asked not trying to hide her cold tone. He looked straight into her eyes and answered "SHE, is my girlfriend." The girl didn't bother to keep herself quiet any longer "Your GIRLFRIEND!? So NOW you feel like having a relationship!? When only a few months ago all you could tell me was that you DIDN'T want one!?" She tore herself out of his grip and yanked the door open letting the animals out into the snow and she made for her car. He didn't follow her but he stood in the doorway watching her anger mount more and more as she tried to get the keys in the ignition. Whipping the car around she didn't give him another look before she drove off.

He stood in the doorway looking at the tire tracks her car left. Staring out into the dark. It started to snow again and he heard his lover calling for him from upstairs. He looked a bit longer and closed the door locking it behind him then heading back up the stairs. He'd get the locks changed tomorrow. He walked up the stairs slowly stopping in front of the bedroom enterance and looking down at the floor. He picked up the eliquently wrapped present and opened it. Inside was a framed picture and a note.

"I made this for you, since I cannot seem to tell you how much I love you in words. I have missed you so much these past few months and I would really like to try to fix things between us. I only hope that you feel the same. Merry Christmas"

His eyes then traveled to the picture, a girl standing with tears in her eyes and a rose in her hand. Gazing up at the clear sky with "I miss you" spelled out in the many shining stars. "What was that all about?" his lover asked. He shook his head and tossed the note and picture next to the trash can behind the door. "Nothing. Just an old friend of mine." he said crawling back into bed beside her and wrapping his arms around her holding her tightly to him.

The girl drove only a short distance before she pulled onto the side of the road, leaning her head onto the steering wheel she sobbed so hard it was difficult to breath. Her mind clouded with anger and pain. Her beloved pets nudging her sides from the back seat of the car trying to comfort her. What was she doing there!? That woman? What was she doing taking her place!? HER place! The anger swept the sadness away and she reached under her seat. She fumbled around for a few seconds until she found what she had been searching for, pulling her arm back out and in her hands she held a gun. It wasn't loaded, she never put bullets in it but maybe if she scared him enough he'd finally realize how much he hurt her. All she wanted was an explanation. Why was it that she could give her whole self to him and he couldn't even tell her the truth. She spun the car around hitting a patch of ice and peeling off down the road at a high speed. All she wanted was for him to love her the way she had always loved him. That's all she ever wanted.

She shut off the lights as she pulled into the drive and she sat in silence. :Turn around. Don't go back in there, just go home. What will this do? Will it make you feel any better? Firing an empty gun into his head. It will just make him laugh. Turn around and go home right now.: She started to back up slowly but stopped (Wait a minute. He needs to pay. He broke your heart and you deserve an explanation for what he put you through for all these years. Go in there and get it!) She took a deep breath "You're right." she said aloud and pulled the car back into the drive. Ripping her keys out and getting out of the car, she went and unlocked the front door slowly then went back for her dogs. Grabbing them by the collar she led them inside with a few treats and put them in the basement tossing down two rawhide bones she had pulled out of her purse. Her hands were sweaty and threatened to drop the gun. Her breathing had picked up too but she didn't let it stop her she turned to the steps and quietly started to walk up them. Every now and then stopped making sure no one heard the creeks from the steps. She got to the landing and could see shadows moving on the walls from the bedroom the noise echoed down the hall as she could hear the other woman moaning his name. She no longer felt nervous as she clutched the gun tighter in her hands and drew herself up to full height. She walked slowly down the hall way but before entering the room she noticed something shining out of the corner of her eye and she turned to see what it was. It was her picture and the paper she had written the note on she had even sprayed it with his favorite fragrance she wore. The glass was cracked and it seemed to have ripped the picture a little. (Do you see what you mean to him? You took all that time for him and he put it in the trash. He doesn't care about you. He never has.) She swallowed and walked into the room rounding the corner she walked up behind the woman and pressed the gun to the back of her head. "Get up! Or I'll paint the walls with your brains you bitch!" she didn't even recognize her own voice and it frightened her. The woman got up slowly grabbing a sheet and covering herself up. Fear in her eyes she walked to the corner and stood silently. The girl now focused her attention on the man "You too. Get your fat ass up!" The man obeyed also pulling a blanket off the bed to cover himself but she laughed "You don't need to cover THAT up. I'm not impressed by it in the least." She walked up to him slowly holding the gun out in front of her getting it closer and closer to his temple. :What are you going to do now? The gun is empty you and I know it. If you pull that trigger he will just call the police and you will end up in some nut house. Of course maybe that's where you belong.: "SHUT UP!" she screamed making her victims jump and glance at one another. She held the gun tighter in her hand and pressed it into his head "Why did you do this to me!? You rotten asshole piece of shit!" The man just looked at her for a few minutes afraid to answer, "What did I do?" She pressed the barrel harder into his head making him wince "Why is it you kept telling me you didn't want a relationship? All you had to tell me was you didn't want a relationship with me! I would have been hurt but I would have left! Instead you used me and kept me around for sex until you found someone else! You worthless fuck!" His eyes clenched shut as she pressed it in harder "I didn't mean to hurt you." he said softly through the pain in his head. She took a deep breath and put her nose up against his "Then why is she in MY place?" Time seemed to slow down and then stop as she thought about what she had just said, rolling it over slowly in her mind. :My place. What are you talking about? You are crazy. He never made it evident that he even liked you and you know it. You were the one reading into it, making it seem like it was more then just a friendship.: she could see another part of herself walking around her taunting her :It's called friends with perks, you can't expect to live with a guy for years and not have sex with him right? Didn't he introduce you as his "friend" every time someone would make any connection between you two. He made it obvious you just chose to ignore it.: Her mind was saying what her heart couldn't bare to hear. "He said I was more then just a fuck to him." she said aloud. :Because maybe you were, just a very close friend. Friendship that's all it ever was. Or maybe he was using you in a way, but you weren't trying to stop him now were you? It's just as much your fault as it is his.: She turned gun pointed at the mirror behind her but instead of seeing herself she saw someone else. A distorted creature staring back at her foaming at the mouth from rage it's heart sealed in a cage. The woman ran over to the man and he held her in his arms reassuring her they were going to be ok. The girl turned on them again and fired the gun at the mans head, the woman screamed but nothing had happened. She turned and made a run for the stairs pounding down them step by step she got her dogs outside and back into the car. She fired it up and peeled out of the drive and started for home.